Release

I am sensitive.
I hate being humiliated in public, especially in class.
I take jokes seriously.
I am not able to handle criticism well.
I am not confident.
I do not know how to handle jokes that talk about how I physically am.
I overthink.
I cannot take jokes that humiliate me.
I am weak.

But do I really have to say sorry?
Should I be sorry for something I cannot handle?
Should I be sorry for your thoughts that I am not trying hard?
Should I be sorry for being how I am?
I don’t think I should.
Therefore, I won’t.

But

I have tried.
I have tried so hard,
For so long
To remove the thoughts that linger after
a public speech
a report in class
a defense
anything I do
that has an audience.

I hate the way things are.
Believe me,
If I had a choice to
If I could remove it all
If I could not be the way I handle harsh words
I would take them all off
Throw them away
And never look back

But I can’t.
It’s hard.
I try.
But I don’t think I’d get there soon.
I am trying.
Still.

I would love to vanish
And forget about these thoughts
I would love to leave
All these things behind.

I have always envied those who can take jokes
And criticisms,
No matter the kind
I wish I could be like you.

I wish I didn’t think so much.
But every night is a small thought of
‘they’re all laughing at me,
after that report’
AND HOW I FUCKING WISH IT WASN’T

I cannot stop.
I cannot handle them.
I cannot remove them.

Why am I weird?
Why was I born like this?
Why am I so different?
Why don’t people understand?
Why is it so hard for me?

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Day 1 of 2018

Hello. Let’s start the year right.

Today, I woke up at 9 and got up at 11. I went straight to the bathroom and washed up. I got out at 12. I decided to take photos of my collection as it was a sunny day but visitors arrived.

I cleaned up my room for space but after I did, aunt and uncles decided to go to grandparents’ graves. Family first before anything else, unless it is paid lol.

We went to Himlayan and visited grandma first. Lit a candle, put in the flower, stayed a while, then prayed. The same thing was done with when we went to my grandpa’s.

After a while, we went out to eat and decided with Jollibee. It was sort of a tradition to eat there whenever we visited grandpa.

This is my first New Year without grandma.

We ate out and uncle parked wrongly.

Went home after dark and decided I should blog…which I didn’t again. I did edit out photos.

We watched Finding Nemo and Adventure Time. Got some time alone again and now I am writing for the first day of the year.

Let’s have a good one this year. Let’s be happy.

Happy New Year!

A Mail from Malaysia

In the morning of December 5th, my mom handed me an envelope.

A friend from Malaysia asked for my address in November and notified me about posting a letter to me afterwards. Another thing to look forward to.

On the morning of the 7th of December, my mom called and went into my room. She hand me a letter and when I saw it was a letter from Malaysia, I knew who it was from.

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I opened the envelope and found found cards inside. They were photos of B.A.P members Daehyun and Youngjae.  It was the cutest thing, and I was happy to have gotten the cards.

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I flipped the cards and found really cute drawings plus a short but cute letter. /hugs my virtual mom/

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Letters and parcels have always been a delight to receive and receiving a one without knowing the exact date of its arrival is a thrill. I bring it out and bring it to school ever since I received the letter, together with the other letter from the Christmas gift I received last year. These are very uplifting, especially because I haven’t been at the best state these past few months.

So, if my virtual mom sees this, I hope she knows that I really am very thankful. I still am thankful, even if it’s been two, three weeks since I received this. I glance at this every now and then to make me smile. I hope you are doing well and hope that my letter arrived safely to you.

A Visit to the National Museum of the Philippines

Summer 2017 – I did not get to go to an actual trip despite my three-month off from school.

Due to reasons unknown (okay, maybe because of my lazy ass), I did not get to travel this summer, just like how my summers were 5 years ago. I decided to go out on a small adventure and, as I have been wanting to visit the National Museum for so long, I picked the place.

June 7th, 2017, I left the house at 12:05PM, it was pretty hot then. I walked to where I rode a jeepney and left by 12:11PM. Mom told me that it takes about a couple of hours to get to the city hall but I arrived at 12:59PM.

[Please excuse the low quality of photos. I used my old phone to take the photos.]

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It started to drizzle by the time I got there and it was a hassle. My phone could not pick up signal and it became a problem as I did not know which way the National Museum was from where I got off. Apparently, the guide I was checking lead to Intramuros.  It took about 45 minutes before I finally gave up and asked a guard how to get to the museum.

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Turns out it was the other way from I was going. I walked a few minutes and around 2:01, I arrived at the museum. I was honestly amused.

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Finally, the National Museum.IMG_20170607_134513IMG_20170607_134537IMG_20170607_134639

Whoops, gotta take more sky photos before I go in.

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Going inside was exciting. I checked everything out before giving my bag to the counter. Things like this make me uncomfortable. I rely on my bag so much that it’s hard to let anyone touch it.

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A photo of the
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An unfinished painting by Fernando Amorsolo which I came to like. IMG_20170607_143420IMG_20170607_144548IMG_20170607_144821

The Senate Session Hall was spacious and without a large number of people. My happy place.IMG_20170607_151809IMG_20170607_151814IMG_20170607_151851

I took a few more photos of the art that caught my attention, as advised by my workmate. I wasn’t a fan of taking photos of other people’s art. IMG_20170607_152519IMG_20170607_152526IMG_20170607_154820IMG_20170607_155237

I tried to take a photo of this for later reading, but my phone camera was not good enough to create a readable photo. IMG_20170607_155331

Before I left, I took a photo of the Spoliarium. I never thought it would turn out to be this big.

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It was raining when I went out.

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The National Museum outside. IMG_20170607_162518IMG_20170607_162601IMG_20170607_162612IMG_20170607_162634

I headed to the mall near my house before 5 and waited for 7:30 as I bought a ticket to watch Resident Evil: Vendetta.

It was a nice and peaceful day. I enjoyed the time alone as much as I did looking at the pieces inside the museum. I will be back to look at the art better the next time.